fearless

The main reason I'm so fearful of the future is that I'm stuck in "I should" mode.

I should be successful.
I should jump right into graduate school (or I'm lazy).
I should be planning for my career.
I should get married young.
I should be happy.

I'm going to try my very hardest to break this pattern of obligation. Because in reality, the only obligation I owe is to myself. I don't owe all of the people pushing and prodding and stretching me in a million different directions. I don't owe this country's skewed perceptions of success. I don't owe my critics. I owe it to myself to trust my own heart and do what is right for me.

I'm not going to make any more plans based on what I "should" or "should not" do. In fact, I'm not going to make any other plans outside of "do what is right for me." That will require prayer. It will require humility. It will require faith (especially in myself).

If something doesn't work out, it's because it's not right for me, not because I have failed. If something unexpected happens, I'm not going to reject it because it's not "in the plans" or not "what I should do."

I am not going to stress out over what's going to happen in five years. For all I know, I could be living in Australia training kangaroos, married, with two children and five dogs. I can't stress over the details. I can only make sure I'm doing the right thing for me, consistently, every day. And while that sounds hard and it's scary in its own right and I'm not always going to know what is right, it sounds a lot happier and less scary knowing I don't have to follow any cookie cutter, pre-existing plan.

If I'm not "successful" according to the world, who cares! I'm probably successful according to me, and that's more authentic, more worthwhile success.

If I don't jump right into graduate school, who cares! Maybe it's not right for me. Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe it's not the right program. Maybe I'm meant to do something else for a while, something that may not be considered "right" by 98% of the population. But I am only me.

If I don't plan my career right now, who cares! Maybe I'm not meant for a career in the traditional sense. Maybe I'm going to stumble upon something that is perfect. Maybe I'm meant to do more exploring first. It doesn't mean I'm lazy. It doesn't mean I'm wrong. It doesn't mean I won't be successful.

If I don't get married young, who cares! I don't have to follow the crowd. Maybe dating longer will be beneficial. I'll know for sure if I'm with the right person. I'll learn to love myself, do some self-exploration, and have the freedom to learn on my own.

And if I'm not happy, I am not a failure. I am a human being with real emotions that aren't always pretty. Seeking happiness for the sake of happiness brings zero happiness. I will seek God and therein find my joy.

What am I trying to say?

DEFINE YOUR OWN SUCCESS, BE YOUR OWN PERSON, MAKE YOUR OWN DREAMS.