It's the little things, like reuniting myself with my favorite fan fiction website and saying hello to online friends I haven't talked to in over a year. I didn't know I could miss something and not realize until I had it again. I guess what I'm trying to say is, when you have holes, you can't always find their source.
Take losing a parent. You're sad, of course. You've got a brand new, awfully scary hole. But why, really? Because you can't talk to him/her anymore? Because you didn't say I love you enough? Because you feel alone? Because in mourning him/her, you lost yourself? Why?
Holes are messy. Repairing holes is messy. And even when you think you've overcome, there are remnants that hang around, like that jelly bean you dropped months ago and never found, and one day when you least expect it, you squish it under your foot, and you think, "Where on earth have you been?"
Sometimes finding holes is done only through patching them up... oftentimes accidentally. Which comes not though purposeful healing but through a spark of unanticipated luck. And I suppose that can seem awfully depressing, but me, I find it hopeful. Because I've been trying, purposefully, fiercely, to heal and have realized that I can't do it. I can't do it. I need luck, beautiful and spontaneous luck.
Except I don't believe in luck. I believe in God.
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